itsawallflower

October 11th

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 02:40:09 GMT

October 11th is national coming out day.

so, embrace your inner fag <3

Oh man, I have no real subject for this post. I'm tired as fuck. I cleaned my room and what not...well, I cleaned up some of the mess a little...
I never realized how many japanese drink bottles I have. or how many lists of songs I have that I like or liked. or how many letter I never sent. Maybe some I really should have.

I love finding old pictures from the summer of 08. Darleen and I kissing, matt drunk, all of us togather. It was an intense time, my friends. But, I believe that it's for the best that it's over. at least most parts. For instance, it is for the best that Matt is out of my life. That boy caused so much drama. What a little fuck, lol. ( I never regreted that time I punched him in the jaw ) and the drugs I was up on were just fucked the hell up. but man, I enjoyed life. I just, lived free, you know? I did what ever I wanted to when I wanted too, and maybe that's why my life is the way it is now.
I'm glad to say I'm moving on from that shit. I mean yeah, I'll still go to parties, but I'm done with the drama that comes along. Hopefully, I'll be off of probation next month. I have to not skip anymore school and keep my grades passing. I'm not worried about passing the drug tests, just passing my classes. Personal Financing is kicking my ass.

But, I don't really have anymore thoughts in my mind right now. besides I'm going to go smoke a cigarette, than spend quality time with my friend who's over.

Also, I'm at a conundrom of what I will do when I'm off probation. I love living with my dad, my dad is the bomb, but I hate my school, and I hate not being near a city. but at the same time I don't want to move in with my mom, just because it seems more stressful there.

I guess I have shit to think about now :)

g'night!

You melt my heart to stone.

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 06:52:48 GMT

Sometimes Everything you do in life, just feels like I'm wasting time. I'm not one for complaining, but, everything seems cold today.

I randomly came across the myspace of a dead teenager today. I don't know him, but I read the stuff on his page because I guess I'm just morbid like that. He had killed himself,..I think he hung himself with an extension cord actually, because of a comment someone had left about a dream they had had. It was just so sad, reading all the things on his page, saying they wish he hadn't done it, and even the ones where they just told him how thier days were. What really got me, is a girl posted a comment saying the year book for thier school had made pages for two kids who killed themselves, and not the one whos myspace it was. Like, he was forgotten. It made me realize, that when you die, people keep living and people forget and people move on. Of course it's an obvious thing, but it never really occured to me. That if I died right now, eventually everyone, the people on my myspace, my friends, the people reading this blog, would move on, maybe not forget, but always move on. It's just the most lonely feeling there is. The feeling of being replacable. I have been replaced, I am always replaced. Honestly, I understand. In a way, I am the same as anyone you will ever meet. Everyone will always find someone else to give them the same feeling someone else did, even if it's not as strong. I feel so much pain everyday. So much fucking pain.
It's amazing how many emotions you feel physically in your heart. You used to give me this amazing feeling in my chest. I suppose people call it "butterflies" but it's really more than that. It's so warm that I have to catch my breath. Sometimes I'd really feel like you were right next to me. I could practically feel you touching me. But now it's a new feeling. When I see you're on, or when I realize you've found someone new, and that I have once again been replaced, It's still in my heart, but a new feeling. A sinking feeling, like for a split second I'm drowning. It's like when you jump into a pool from a high diving board and you hit the water, it's like that split second you wonder if you have the strength to resurface. My heart hurts, just like it does everytime. and I know you must know I'm hurting, because I've told you it's always like this after. Yet you give no comfort, you make no effort. I think this time, it's for real though. I think I really will never have your love again. You've lied to me and I've forgiven you. I've done everything I could, I'm always here waiting. Maybe it really isn't me? I've given so many chances, and gotten so few. Everything in my eyes was beautiful, maybe I was just not seeing something.
It seems to me, that there is no one left in my life that I can have just a true and honest conversation with. about everything in life. No one wants to hear the truth anymore. If I tried to openly talk to someone about everything I was feeling, they'd freak out. I have no outlet. I just want someone I can put my trust into, someone who can understand, or even wants to understand. I feel like I'll never love someone the way I love you. I still can't decide weather I should use past tense of love. today I changed your name in my phone. It had been the cute little name since we first started dating, but now it's just your name. Is it wrong to feel the way I do? To actually be fucking hurt by this? By the fact that you promised, and I believed. and I trusted, and I loved. and I was hurt again. It seems to be the sum of every equation in my life. You could do anything to me, and I'd still be here waiting. I feel so weak. I'd never met anyone like you. You said you didn't want sex because of my age, and I had so much fucking respect for that. No one had ever really cared about that with me before. I really don't know if I'll ever meet anyone again who doesn't want sex out of me. that just wants to love me. I'm doubting everything now. I feel terrible for doubting if you loved me, but I can't help it. I'm trying not too. I believe you did, it's just hard.

I am too naive, and I am too sensitive.

I hope someone proves me wrong. and deep in my heart, I will always hope it's you.

Doom Kittens

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 03:49:45 GMT

" They filled the shelves in every store in every industrilized country in the world. The kittens were fluffy and cheerful, perfect for a family pets and lonely women. Their pink nose and purring voices had a money back garentee for up to 5 years. They were shipped out of japan, so i suppose we can blame the japanese for the impending doom. Usually we blame the jews, but I'm afraid they just can't be the scapegoat this time.
Anything is a weapon in the paws of these fluffy little menaces, but the consumers didn't know this when they pick up their brand new kittens at a reasonable price of 19.95 at their local wall-marts. Just like little Jimmys parents didn't know what evil they brough their son home for his 6th birthday. When he opened up his present his eyes lit up. He had always wanted a kitten to hug and embrace. As an only child he had always been so loney. Unfortunately it was not the friend he has wished for. Little Jimmy was found three days later with a fur ball shoved down his throught. The kitten was no where to be found."

...more later.

Dr.Phill, Probation, Friends, Alcohol and Weed.

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 21:04:14 GMT

I'd do anything to get out of Michigan. Michigan is the worse place ever. Michigan is so boring that I'd rather cut off my own legs that have to stay here any longer. I hate winter. Winter is the worse season ever. It's cold, you can't do anything. In Michigan, winter lasts forever. Know what else I hate? I hate it when talk shows fucking give everything away on their show. "And everyone heres going to get one of these for their own!" Then the crowd goes wild, like a free fucking t-shirt is the best thing that has ever happened to them. I hate a lot of things. I fucking hate people who push their religion on others. Fuck that. I hate small dogs and I hate listening to people bitch about relationships. I hate speed dating and weight loss centers. I hate dating services and I hate myspace, but I'm always on it.I don't hate everthing. I love old people who say weird things on television. haha "When you only have one eye your pretty picky on who you trust to take care of it." see, things like that. I love book stores and small diners you can smoke it. I like pale skinny girls who read books and drink coffee. I love walking around the city at night. I miss the city whenever I'm away from it.

I hate my tharapist. Her name is Renee, and she tries her best. She has a red afro cut into a bob. She does not understand me. She does not understand why I do the things I do. Sometimes I bark at her. Sometimes i yell at her. She never gets angry, and that pisses me off. I have not, and will not, open up to her. She would not understand, even if i truly gave her the chance. She comes to my house. She is comming to my house tonight. I hate it when she comes. Renee, my dad and I sit in the sun room because she doesn't like being anywhere else in the house. My dad and her mostly talk about what they want me to change. What they think I'm doing wrong and what I need to do to fix what they think I need to fix. I hate Dr. Phill. "are your kids playing with fire? What causes teenagers to make choices that will ruin their future?" WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK. Everyone thinks they're doctor phill now a days. They talk about the evil things kids do. "They beat a homeless man to death while high on Marijawana" It's not the Weed that makes them do those kinds of things. They said they killed the man for fun. It wasn't the weed that made them think it was fun. They wanted to do something they would be able to brag about. They wanted to look cool. He fell in with a "bad crowd" hahaha. I'm sure he really thought they were bad kids when he was beating the homeless man to death.
they're talking about how he's been in prison for a year, and hes already fucking covered in prision tats. He talks to "trouble teens". Ugh, I'm over this. this stupid little bitch is trying to say her son started try to pull kids off of him and save the homeless man. But at the same time the kid took a log and put it on the skinny little dude and jumped on it. but apparently the mother says he jumped on the SIDE of the log. Big difference, your kid killed some dude. he was dumb enough to get caught and to be there. hes in prision now and he deserves to be. quit bitching. The only thing i like about Dr. Phill is when these winey, stupid little bitches come on the show, he tells them when to shut the fuck up. I just hate how he tries to say shit about how to take care of kids. Although I do agree that the over dramatic mom was right that a fifteen year old boy should not be in prision. He's probbably some huge niggas bitch. Apparently this episode is about teens in jail and how to tell if your kid is on the way there, haha. they're showing this kid chris saying how bad he is to his parents and the shit he says, but like, hes mouth is nothing compared to mine twards people.
Oh my God, this kid is my hero his mom takes out a bag of his stash and she was like "THIS IS MARIJAWANA CHRIS" and he takes it, looks at it...and eats it. his moms like "what the hell are you doing" and he starts laughing at gets up. and says "You don't have no more, bitch" haha If i was ever about to get caught or searched, i would not hesitate to swollow my stash. haha that reminds me of something that happened to me once,..Would you like to hear? Well since your reading my journal I'm guess you do.

So it was last summer, two friends of mine and I were at a small house the our other friends were going to rent out. it had no electricity and no water. We had three dogs in the back, and a whole bunch of boxes in the front. The best thing about it was we had a Half and a fifth of UV Blue. The three of us were sitting covered in blankets, with my and Dar in our underpants and we had a little plate with a lit candle on it. That's where we filled out bowls and shots. We were all so fucking wasted. Then suddenly my friend got this awesome idea where she convinced me to eat a hand full of pot, and i did. So once that set in i was fucking gonnneee. Well my friends who were there, that are engauged to eachother, wanted to have sex. So we made a deal...They gave me the plate with the candle, all the weed, all the alcohol, put me in the back room with the three dogs in the back and gave me my skateboard. It was horrible, I was in my underwear, only and there was broken glass all over the floor. but I managed to have some serious fun. There was a little table there, and thats where i kept the weed and alcohol. I went over to the little table and smoked a couple bowls and took a few shots, than lit up a smoke and started trying to skateboard. Let me say this, I cannot skateboard. I do not claim to be able to skateboard, even though I would like to try. But i fell so much I wasn't surprised to find all the bruises and cuts the next day. I'd yell at the dogs to move, than attempt to skate across the room and then fall on galss and scream "FUCKKK SHIT". I felt bad for my friends, they were trying to get their fuck on while I was in the back room totally wated trying to skateboard, haha. Then once i finally went back out there, it was a few hours from dawn. My friend and I put on a little bit of clothes and went and pissed outside. She and I used to be very close, but we're not really now. I sort of miss her. but I try not to too much. haha. We went back and smoked untill like 6 in the morning, my other friend had court so we had to walk a couple miles into town, fucked up and tired after a hard night of partying. i got to my grandmas still drunk and stonned, than passed out for a few hours on her couch. We were supposed to go back and clean up, but we didn't. Out friends were really really pissed. Pretty much, their boss who was renting out the cabin came by, and there was spilled alcohol, broken glass, dog shit in the back, and weed all over. Me and my two friends were mostly just pissed because we wasted weed by leaving it there, haha.

That was last summer, I always miss summer, especially last. I have so manny party stories, and im sure I'll post most of them on here, haha. Summer should be here soon. Its up to 44 degrees out, ugh. I'll be on probation this summer, but I'll still be partying. Just not as hard. I'm on probation now because of an MIP I got in May, 2008. Oh god, what a day that was. It was with Matt and Darleen, from the Cabin, Adam, Matts older brother, and Chris. It was uber intense. pretty much we had a fifth of Black Velvete and a fifth of vodka, a house for the weekend, a sterio system and a friend who happened to have ran away that weekend (not with us). The cops were searching a lot of houses that weekend looking for the girl who ran away. A bunch of parties were busted, the girl who had ran away had a lot of people pissed at her on monday when like eight people had gotton M.I.Ps. The party itself was really sweet. It was small, but I always prefer small parties. Darleen and I were piss ass drunk sitting on a yoga ball in our undies rolling around while the guys listened to music and palyed quarters. I got in on the quarter playing later, thats how I got really fucked up, because i suck hard at that game and i was palying against chris who was really good. Finally once im emensly drunk, i was just like laying on the couch with my face in between the chouchins talking about how i wanted to get laid..Adam was like "Yeah me too, wanna fuck?" And i just lifted my head a bit and said "No thanks, I'm tired." But then Chris was like "well, wanna fuck me?" and I said "uhm, sure" Everyone started laughing and Adam was pissed haha.

The cops had shown up before but we talked to them outside, said they couldn't come in and told them she wasn't here. They came back really late while everyone but Darleen were asleep except Adam and Chris who were on a walk. Matt was sleeping up stairs and i was passed out downstairs in my underwear (Why do I always end up in my underwear?) whent the cops started knocking. Darleen was scared and didn't know what to do so she let them in. First they woke me up and took me and darleens alcohol levels, she was so low and matt was so wasted that she said she blew a .003 by kissing him, so she got off.`I blew a .05 and got an M.I.P. Finally they woke up Matt, and this is where it got crazy. We all went up stairs to where matt was, and tried to wake him up, the cops were talking to him and he saw darleen in the corner. he jumped up and said "THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND!" We're not really sure why. They brought him downstairs and asked whos house we were at and where they were, but, I had already texted Chris and Adam telling them not to come back so they didn't get any charges. The younger cute cop asked me if i wanted to put some clothes on, consistering i was standing there in nothing but undies I said yes. But he informed me he had to acompany me up stairs to put my clothes on. I was like "uhm okay" so he followed me up stairs while i got dressed, it was awkards, haha. when we went back downstairs they had told Matt he was either going home or to jail. Matt hates his dad. Matts dad is a piece of shit. Everyone hates him because that is what he deserves. Matts dad and my dad had shown up already. The cop was telling Matt to just go home, and Matt was saying he'd rather going to jail! He was fighting with the cops screaming "I'M NOT GOING HOME" and then he projectile vommited on a cop...he eneded up going to jail. This right here is a perfect example of what Matts like. While they were putting him in the cell (Matt seems to end up in jail a lot) The cop took off his belt and while he was going it matt was like "Wait! Wait!" the cop was like "what do you want" and Matt cracked a big smile and said "I like to party". He threw him in and walked away. i swear Matt has seem some crazy shit. He was at a jail that he had a flat screen fucking T.V. in. Matt just got back out of jail after being in for seventeen days for something. He just moved out of my house after living there for 5 months. I must say I miss his company, even though he really pisses me off sometimes. Anyways, being on probation sucks really bad, but I've had some good times getting here.

God I would do anything for a cigarette right now. I'm supposed to be getting a pack tonight, I really fucking hope I do. I havn't had one today. No wonder I'm cranky, haha. I'll update this again later with more stories and shit.