itsawallflower

October 11th is national coming out day.

so, embrace your inner fag <3

Oh man, I have no real subject for this post. I'm tired as fuck. I cleaned my room and what not...well, I cleaned up some of the mess a little...
I never realized how many japanese drink bottles I have. or how many lists of songs I have that I like or liked. or how many letter I never sent. Maybe some I really should have.

I love finding old pictures from the summer of 08. Darleen and I kissing, matt drunk, all of us togather. It was an intense time, my friends. But, I believe that it's for the best that it's over. at least most parts. For instance, it is for the best that Matt is out of my life. That boy caused so much drama. What a little fuck, lol. ( I never regreted that time I punched him in the jaw ) and the drugs I was up on were just fucked the hell up. but man, I enjoyed life. I just, lived free, you know? I did what ever I wanted to when I wanted too, and maybe that's why my life is the way it is now.
I'm glad to say I'm moving on from that shit. I mean yeah, I'll still go to parties, but I'm done with the drama that comes along. Hopefully, I'll be off of probation next month. I have to not skip anymore school and keep my grades passing. I'm not worried about passing the drug tests, just passing my classes. Personal Financing is kicking my ass.

But, I don't really have anymore thoughts in my mind right now. besides I'm going to go smoke a cigarette, than spend quality time with my friend who's over.

Also, I'm at a conundrom of what I will do when I'm off probation. I love living with my dad, my dad is the bomb, but I hate my school, and I hate not being near a city. but at the same time I don't want to move in with my mom, just because it seems more stressful there.

I guess I have shit to think about now :)


g'night!

Sometimes Everything you do in life, just feels like I'm wasting time. I'm not one for complaining, but, everything seems cold today.

I randomly came across the myspace of a dead teenager today. I don't know him, but I read the stuff on his page because I guess I'm just morbid like that. He had killed himself,..I think he hung himself with an extension cord actually, because of a comment someone had left about a dream they had had. It was just so sad, reading all the things on his page, saying they wish he hadn't done it, and even the ones where they just told him how thier days were. What really got me, is a girl posted a comment saying the year book for thier school had made pages for two kids who killed themselves, and not the one whos myspace it was. Like, he was forgotten. It made me realize, that when you die, people keep living and people forget and people move on. Of course it's an obvious thing, but it never really occured to me. That if I died right now, eventually everyone, the people on my myspace, my friends, the people reading this blog, would move on, maybe not forget, but always move on. It's just the most lonely feeling there is. The feeling of being replacable. I have been replaced, I am always replaced. Honestly, I understand. In a way, I am the same as anyone you will ever meet. Everyone will always find someone else to give them the same feeling someone else did, even if it's not as strong. I feel so much pain everyday. So much fucking pain.
      It's amazing how many emotions you feel physically in your heart. You used to give me this amazing feeling in my chest. I suppose people call it "butterflies" but it's really more than that. It's so warm that I have to catch my breath. Sometimes I'd really feel like you were right next to me. I could practically feel you touching me. But now it's a new feeling. When I see you're on, or when I realize you've found someone new, and that I have once again been replaced, It's still in my heart, but a new feeling. A sinking feeling, like for a split second I'm drowning. It's like when you jump into a pool from a high diving board and you hit the water, it's like that split second you wonder if you have the strength to resurface. My heart hurts, just like it does everytime. and I know you must know I'm hurting, because I've told you it's always like this after. Yet you give no comfort, you make no effort. I think this time, it's for real though. I think I really will never have your love again. You've lied to me and I've forgiven you. I've done everything I could, I'm always here waiting. Maybe it really isn't me? I've given so many chances, and gotten so few. Everything in my eyes was beautiful, maybe I was just not seeing something.
It seems to me, that there is no one left in my life that I can have just a true and honest conversation with. about everything in life. No one wants to hear the truth anymore. If I tried to openly talk to someone about everything I was feeling, they'd freak out. I have no outlet. I just want someone I can put my trust into, someone who can understand, or even wants to understand. I feel like I'll never love someone the way I love you. I still can't decide weather I should use past tense of love. today I changed your name in my phone. It had been the cute little name since we first started dating, but now it's just your name. Is it wrong to feel the way I do? To actually be fucking hurt by this? By the fact that you promised, and I believed. and I trusted, and I loved. and I was hurt again. It seems to be the sum of every equation in my life. You could do anything to me, and I'd still be here waiting. I feel so weak. I'd never met anyone like you. You said you didn't want sex because of my age, and I had so much fucking respect for that. No one had ever really cared about that with me before. I really don't know if I'll ever meet anyone again who doesn't want sex out of me. that just wants to love me. I'm doubting everything now. I feel terrible for doubting if you loved me, but I can't help it. I'm trying not too. I believe you did, it's just hard.



I am too naive, and I am too sensitive.

I hope someone proves me wrong. and deep in my heart, I will always hope it's you.

" They filled the shelves in every store in every industrilized country in the world. The kittens were fluffy and cheerful, perfect for a family pets and lonely women. Their pink nose and purring voices had a money back garentee for up to 5 years. They were shipped out of japan, so i suppose we can blame the japanese for the impending doom. Usually we blame the jews, but I'm afraid they just can't be the scapegoat this time.
              Anything is a weapon in the paws of these fluffy little menaces, but the consumers didn't know this when they pick up their brand new kittens at a reasonable price of 19.95 at their local wall-marts. Just like little Jimmys parents didn't know what evil they brough their son home for his 6th birthday. When he opened up his present his eyes lit up. He had always wanted a kitten to hug and embrace. As an only child he had always been so loney. Unfortunately it was not the friend he has wished for. Little Jimmy was found three days later with a fur ball shoved down his throught. The kitten was no where to be found."




...more later.